Dr. J. Lawrence Cuthill

February 14, 2010

Winter Park Presbyterian Church

If I speak in the tongues of mortals and of angels, but do not have love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.

If I give away all my possessions, and if I hand over my body so that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing. Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never ends. But as for prophecies, they will come to an end; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will come to an end. For we know only in part, and we prophesy only in part; but when the complete comes, the partial will come to an end.

Whey I was a child, I spoke like a child. I thought like a child. I reasoned like a child; when I became an adult, I put an end to childish ways. For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then we will see face to face. Now I know only in part; then I will know fully, even as I have been fully known.

And now faith, hope, and love abide. These three; and the greatest of these is love.

~ ~ ~

Today is Valentine’s Day, another occasion that finds its roots in Christian history but which, like other special days, has been largely cut loose from its religious moorings. Commercial and material expression of love have stolen the day. Don’t think I’m just taking a curmudgeonly stand. There is much to celebrate, and giving expression to our affection isn’t a bad thing. Today, proposals of marriage will proliferate. Yesterday, last minute shoppers (mostly male) crowded the jewelry, flower and lingerie shops (and candy counters). The card sections of drugstores were pretty picked over. All those shoppers have in common is the hope that the recipient of their purchases will be pleased.

I did hear of one fellow who may have missed the mark. A friend asked him if he had bought his wife anything for Valentine’s Day. “Oh yes,” came the reply from the fellow (who was not usually known for his sensitivity), “I bought her a belt and a bag.” “That was very kind of you,” his friend remarked. “I hope she appreciates the effort.” “So do I,” said the husband, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now.” Sometimes we miss the point.

Perhaps there should be more occasions when protestations of love and appreciation could be made … like flowers for no particular reason, or a call just because “I wanted to hear your voice.” A passionate kiss with no motive other than to say “You are still the one.”

These expressions can be given; not as a way of complying with cultural expectations that have attached themselves to a particular day, February 14^th, but which can be given without the prodding of an established occasion.

· Freely.

· Frequently.

· Genuinely.

· At any time

We see instances of this when people first fall in love--cards, letters, flowers, candy, even poetry. It was Plato who said, “At the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet.” To resist would be swimming against a pretty powerful tide, but time can, and sometimes does, erode affection. Unless tended like a garden, weeds crowd out the beautiful. Staleness. Taking for granted. Cynicism. No one began a serious relationship or marriage thinking this elation will soon pass and that we might become just a cranky couple who stay together out of habit, but it does happen.

This is the place where you might expect something like tips for keeping love alive, or a recipe for restoring romance. I did hear (and have probably already shared) the story of the husband driving home from work who tuned into one of those radio talk shows, a ‘Dear Abby’ type advice program. In chirpy tones, the speaker said, “Put some zing back into your marriage. Break out of the mold. Do something unexpected. Show her you’re thinking about her.”

The husband deciding that he could be a little nicer to the old girl (his words, not mine!) stopped at the florist’s and purchased some roses and a box of candy. When he pulled into his driveway, he decided to go to the front door instead of through the garage into the kitchen. He straightened his tie and rang the bell. No response, but he did hear a commotion. He rang again and this time heard footsteps. The door opened and there stood his wife, a baby on one hip and a crying four year old wrapped around her leg, a wisp of hair hanging in her eyes, and a look of perfect exasperation on her face.

The husband delivered his little rehearsed speech and held out his gifts ... to which she responded, “This is just great. The baby has colic, junior knocked out a permanent tooth on the swing, Sissy sassed the teacher, the washing machine is on the fritz, dinner is ruined and now to top it off you come home drunk!”

Sometimes you just can’t win, and timely tips for teaching moments: a good idea can just be a band-aid when the patient needs heart surgery. Try out these key ideas: growing deeper by prioritizing the relationship, and continuing to learn about and appreciate your spouse. Relationships flourish in that rich soil, but statistics, and our own experiences also clearly indicate that we know more about nurturing relationships than we realize. That should be no surprise.

It’s been said that every man is looking for a beautiful woman who gives everything and demands nothing. Same for women I suspect. The problem is that everyone’s looking and few, if any, are available. We’re all at varying levels – selfish. For that, some serious self-assessment, followed by recalling and recommitting to go deeper, is necessary.

Maybe it’s time, as someone suggested, to declare a moratorium on the word “Love,” a word so overused that for many it has lost its meaning: I love … pizza … my boat … a television program … a car … my wife. Maybe less use of the word would allow the meaning to seep back in.

More effective, I would contend, would be to revisit those words of Paul that qualify as the most frequently read (but least heard) passage at weddings. I suppose if the bride and groom really heard them, some might say, “I can’t do that. WE can’t live up to that. The standard is way beyond reach.”

And so it is beyond our grasp, but is a most necessary and worthy goal that can put us on course toward a healthy and mature relationship. Hearing it when we’re not totally enamored by the occasion -- swept away by the magic, the illusory moment -- may have far more effect.

Clearly it takes love infinitely beyond fleeting feelings. It is more than seeing another as the right person to fulfill one’s desires. Robert Capon cuts to the point in his usually incisive style: “No one ever marries the right person.” At first we think we have, then may realize we were wrong. Then the task – if we choose to mature in love -- is to become the right person, and that is not so easy.

Who gets through this life without having their hopes dashed and their heart broken because they loved? In The Four Loves, C.S. Lewis wrote that,” To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully around with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket – safe, dark, motionless, airless – it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

To love is to be vulnerable, to risk being hurt and to continue to grow, to continue to honor a commitment, to believe, look for and call out the best in the other. Even when relationships fail, the point here is not to make anyone feel a failure, and in my experience, even when one’s heart is broken, with time and grace we find people still hope and believe in love.

If we commit to going deeper, we might be well-served by revisiting that lofty passage Paul wrote to a church that was wracked with discord, arrogance and “me-first”.

I recall a preacher saying, “to avoid being totally frustrated by the passage, know this: A person can only come to love if they have been loved, and then probably only to the degree they have been loved.” You are loved in the manner and to the degree this passage describes.

· Love is patient … it can grant time to develop.

· Love is kind … not jealous … it’s moving toward security enough to applaud the other’s progress.

· It doesn’t brag and isn’t arrogant…

· Love doesn’t act unbecomingly … respect the other and their values; isn’t provoked … doesn’t take into account a wrong suffered – that is, it resists the natural tendency to react by striking back or withdrawing.

· Love does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices in truth, that is it doesn’t ask the other to lie or ignore what’s right and true.

· Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things,

· It is not naïve, but trusts … not always the other’s performance but in God’s.

· Love never fails. Certainly I do … but I am not disqualified or excluded.

· Love never fails. It lasts.

A crisis may open our eyes. When the planes hit the twin towers, as far as I know, none of the phone calls that went out from those in the buildings were messages of demand or criticism; they were all messages of love. When the chips are down, that’s what matters.

You are loved in the way Paul described. Love begets love. Let yourself be loved. Rejoice, but know this, you will become such a sacrificial lover yourself if Christ has His way.

It’s our destiny. It’s what holds a frightened, broken, self-destructive world (and our lives) together. Let me close with these hopeful words of Pierre Teilhard de Chardin:

“Some day, after mastering the winds, the waves, the tides and gravity, we shall harness for God the energies of love, and then, for a second time in the history of the world, man will have discovered fire.”

AMEN